Admit it. Come on, tell the truth.
You think your spouse, significant other, sister, brother, cousin, best friend—at least one of them—should be able to read your mind.
Some often unacknowledged part of our brains thinks another person should be able to sense our emotions and respond accordingly. We assume they will say the right words or perform the right actions to fix a situation. At the very least we want them to provide the proper empathy to match our mood. We feel they—our special people—should behave in Hollywood-script fashion and recite perfect lines to solve everything. (I grew up watching The Flying Nun.)
We’re all guilty of having great expectations from time to time. How often do our assumptions that others will be omniscient disappoint us? Bunches, if you are anything like me. We finish a visit or exchange an email with a friend and think, why didn’t they…
- Comment on what I told them when I said ____?
- Pick up on how sad I am feeling?
- Know how to solve my problem?
- Realize that sending me a card would go a long way to soothing hurt feelings?
- Reassure me my new haircut is okay?
Have you read the 1992 relationship book, Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus: The Classic Guide to Understanding the Opposite Sex? I always knew the sexes were different and this book helped clear up some of those puzzles. But my husband will tell you that I cannot read his mind. His engineer’s brain and my writer’s brain function in drastically opposite ways. Yet we live compatibly together, traveling, and sharing a forward life-path.
Cultural Differences
Thinking mind reading works is like an American traveling to Italy not speaking a word of the language. Would you, my fellow countrywomen, then be amazed that the Italians aren’t the same as you? Would there be some shock that you don’t understand them and they don’t understand you? Culture isn’t the only barrier to properly interpreting each other. People are unique and complicated. All of us. Each of us.
Add in the Impact of Social Media
The more we talk in like buttons and emojis, the greater concern we should have in thinking people understand what’s in our minds. How about the first time a colleague wrote an entire paragraph in CAPITAL letters and you read it feeling yelled at? Until you decided to speak to them directly, you were upset…. Then they told you their intent was to make you know the email was important, not a rant.
It was a misunderstanding because you couldn’t read their mind.
When did sending emails become the norm for communicating with co-workers instead of walking twenty steps to have a face-to-face? We judge and misjudge based on social media or headlines, never delving beneath the top layer of soundbites and snippets. To do that—slide across the surface of a person—is a missed opportunity to their learn backstory. The use of the word “social” gets lost in the media and we forget, forget that we are humans sharing with humans—just not in person—and it affects our behavior.
Tuning in Still Isn’t Mind Reading
There are only 27 months between me and my sister Jackie. We’ve been best friends for three decades. Two thousand miles apart for the last twenty years has only deepened our relationship. We talk almost daily, instant message, and share multiple emails. We’ve taken many trips together and are often of a like-mind. Still, we miscommunicate and can, unintentionally, tick each other off. Longevity and the investment in our combined future has one of us saying to the other, “Get on my wave length!” We laugh and talk until we’ve found clarity through the conversation.
While we have harmony with a sister, sensing her joking or when she needs a good laugh, we cannot share a Vulcan mind-meld. I pride myself on keying into people fairly well, but there are times I’ve left an encounter and later thought: Ut oh, I think I misunderstood _____. Sure enough, if I return to check, the person will say, Um, yes, you didn’t quite get me that time.
When we want others to read our thoughts instead of doing the work to clearly express ourselves, we stack a lot of responsibility on them. This also builds a lot of angst in us as we hope they will figure us out. What a recipe for disaster!
God gave us words and emotions so we can communicate with each other. But the builders of the Tower of Babel wrecked that for humanity. Life requires honest, undistracted conversation. We have to share critical dialogues to build relationships that endure. Delve beneath the surface of your friendships and work to ensure you are hearing the truth of each other.
Let me know what mind-reading mishaps have crossed your path in the last week.
Read, Learning How To Converse
Have learned expecting others to think like you do is a road for disaster. No one can read someone’s mind. The only thoughts that you can control are you own. I guess as we get older we see things differently.
Oh my gosh, yes, Arleen! I think we all secretly wish people knew what we were thinking–about certain things. But get REAL, right?
I never did understand girlfriends who expected their husbands to read their minds… Refusing to tell him if, or why, they are upset. Because he should just KNOW. what a waste of time and energy, when you can just grow up and have a conversation about what is troubling you and get past it sooner. Right? 🙂
You’ve got that right, Susan! I always figure if I’m not going to tell husband what is irritating me then I should probably not bother being irritated by it!
This article is right on time for me. I’m guilty of this with family and friends. I have to start communicating better and expressing myself.
Let me know how making an effort to be understood works for you, Jason. I’m truly interested.
I have no doubt at times I was guilty of expecting my ex-husband to read my mind – sure wish I could have read his because it would have saved me a lot of money and grief during our divorce!
But seriously, I think I’ve managed to cross the line the other direction Rose as I probably annoy the hell out of people as I go out of my way to make sure we’re “on the same page.” But it’s kind of funny how I got to this point. When I went into international sales and found myself having to work through translators and negotiate with people from different countries I learned to constantly test for clarity and not take anything for granted because my job and a whole lot of money was at stake so – for better or worse – somewhere along that became my communication style.
Good point, Marquita. Maybe I didn’t start to understand the feebleness of words until working for a German company–and even with my Canadian counterparts. It was very clear then how often you have to check in to make sure one or the other of you is not misreading the intent.
I think some folk are more transparent about what’s on their mind than others. No map, or mind reading required 😉
That is true–some people are good about putting it all out there. We probably still misunderstand them!
Clear communication is sooooo crucial to any relationship, simply because people can’t read our minds, nor can we read others’ (even if we can pick up on body language and vocal tone, etc., we still can’t know exactly what that kind of language is telling us). In your opening examples, they all struck me as instances where we need to take responsibility for doing half of the communicating – in terms of asking kindly and lovingly for whatever we expected/ wanted them to do. Or, in the last instance – loving and reassuring and communicating with ourselves first. Great post!
Right on, Karen!
I’m definitely guilty of this….but on the flip side…I’m really glad people can’t read my mind. Especially when I’m at work!
Ha ha, niece ‘o mine. Get busy asking questions!
Yes, I think we do expect people to read our minds. Especially a spouse….after all we’ve been living together for 36 years….I mean….come on….what’s not to get, right? It’s hard for me to fathom. But then I can take a step back and realize that I don’t get my spouse sometimes either. I guess that is what keeps us guessing!
And hopefully it keeps us interested, right?
I think this happens to me less frequently these days because after being tripped up with a lot of hurt feelings for too many years, I finally came to realize that nobody has a crystal ball. But I think it’s common and every now and again, I find myself silently telling myself that it’s my responsibility:) Good one!
Do you remember that TV show from a zillion years ago where the fellow (I thought it was John Davidson & Sally Field, but apparently I’m wrong!) read the woman’s mind? As a child, I thought: well, that would solve some problems. As an adult, look what Mel Gibson’s character learned in What Women Want. If only!